God, why must I stay so Blind?

Ever since i have become a christian I have always had the faith and trust in God that he will always bring me through even if i could not see were he was taking me. In a sense he is keeping me blind but still leading me.

But for me being blind is getting really old! God Must really like keeping in the dark, because I have remained blind for a while now. I meet people who no Gods calling for them, weather it be youth ministry, or worship ministry or and secular job. I know people who are really good and stuff and can honor God in that. Why can't I be like that! Sure I'm good at being nice and uplifting, but where the crap is that gonna get me!

I am not good at anything of worth, i have no calling in my life, I never know where i'm going to be from week to week. What if I am just waisting my money on all this college stuff? In the past i could always talk to a mentor about this kinda of stuff but God found it necessary to completely remove all of them from my life at the moment. WERE AM I GOING TO TURN NOW! When my dad was still alive i could always count on him being there when i needed help. No matter the time of day, or the date, or location he was always freaking there!! I'm tired of being blind! I'm tired of not knowing where to go next! Satan sure knows how to dish out the low blows don't he?

I feel like I'm just adrift in an ocean and God is the current. I have no idea where its gonna take me, I can only hope it takes me to land.

It's not that I lost my faith, it's just that I get tired of holding on to only that so tightly.

So for now I will just keep praying.

Random Awesome! Try some.

So tonight started out with talking to people on AIM and my dear friend. Lets call her Elizabeth. So Elizabeth decided that we need to go for a walk. My first thoughts were (why the?) So we met outside and started walking into town just talking casually about random stuff. About ten minutes into this walk I'm looking down the street talking when i hear Elizabeth go "oh my". I turned and saw the fountain in the middle of town gushing with soap suds!! I giggled like a little school girl when i skipped over and we proceeded to have a foam fight. We stepped into the fountain and the more suds we displace for are awesome fun the more formed again. we played in this soapy euphoria for about 15 minutes and let me tell you, it was one of the best times I have ever had!

I felt i had to share this moment in life because I think you have to enjoy the little things in life! If you think this story is lame, than chances are you are in fact lame. Now go out and do something Incredibly random and have an have an awesome time doing it!

Yeah I just had to place a point to it didn't I!! oh yeah i went there.

She's not worth the overdose!

Girl: I don't wanna go out with you anymore.

Boy: why not!? Whats wrong?

Girl: Its just over. (click)

Boy: (throws phone)

After this conversation the boy felt hopeless and underly depressed. The boy had not seen this coming, he had no idea what was going on. At that moment he thought through his mind "What could my worth possibly be if i can't even make a girl happy enough to stay with me!" as he cursed aloud to himself. Ten minutes had passed with the boy walking back and worth wondering to himself what he did wrong, could this be fixed, and why he was stupid enough to put forth effort into another person who would turn around and run.
He started to be overwhelmed with the anger and sadness as he looked up and his eye randomly landed on the medicine cabinet which was full of medication at the moment. The reason this cabinet was fun of meds was because the boy had been taking several medications to help quell the depression he had been going through. He walked over and grabbed 4 bottles of pills, dumped them out on the counter, went to the sink for a glass of water, and started downing pill after pill until the counter was empty. He walked into the next room pulled out a knife and looked to his arm. The boy found a nice empty spot in between scabs from other knife cut and made two deep straight cuts into his flesh. After that he pulled a cover over him and cried till he passed out.



I'm gonna start off by asking a simple question. Do you have to always be in a relationship to be happy?I know too many young people who are always looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend and are always unhappy and depressed about life. their view of life is so messed up that they think to only good comes from a member of the opposite sex.

Try relying on someone so perfect that they will never leave you or put you down. Try getting to know yourself, and find a way to be happy in life without dating. I say this because if you enter a relationship in a bad place in life chances are that if it ends you will still be in that bad place. My point to all this is if you struggle with in this part of you life date the ideals and teachings of Jesus Christ. It will give true meaning to your life.



When I woke after passing out on the couch I could only see blurs of colors and i could not walk. I had an I V in my arm and i was on a suicide watch in the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia a day later. It took me a few moments to remember the following day and to realize where I ended up. Following that I was sent to a psychiatric Hospital called Brook Glenn. I look back on what I did and the only thing i can say is "wow that was possibly the dumbest thing I have ever done".

Don't get me wrong, I totally support people dating. Just make sure you life is together enough to handle it.

If your a girl reading this, read the title as He's not worth the overdose.

The Darkness of Night

Throughout my life I have met, and still know many people who are afraid of the Dark. I was scared of the dark at one point in my life too, but I have since overcome that. The reason humans are scared of being in the dark is because people are scared of the unknown. For some reason people need to be able to clearly see everything thats going on around them at all times. If you one of those people, you ever think about what would happen if you put your life completely in the hands of something bigger?
(If you do not believe in God you may have a hard time understanding anything past this point.)

The reason I Write about this is because I know there is no reason to be scared!

The reason I no longer fear the dark is because I know someone who does knows whats in it. God knows exactly what is in the darkness around me and i have faith that he does not want to harm me. If you have given you life to Christ than why would he want to take what is already his? If you live for Christ he will always be there with you protecting you. He will forever be there with you.

Psalm 139: 8If i go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

Psalm 139:12 Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light.

John 1:5 The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.


That is how I have overcome my fear of the dark.
Are you afraid of the dark? haha






Don't get me wrong, have a little caution if you going into the woods or you see your door or window busted open! In cases like that you have four options.

1: running
2: a friend (Must be Male and Big)
3: 911
4: a weapon




















warning:
This Message does not apply to ninjas.

A Grandmother's Love

This past year I have had the opportunity to spend time with a couple friend's families and I got to see how my friends interact with their parents and grandparents and how a loving family acts. During this time I took noticed to grandparents. I have always heard that grandparents are suppose to be kind, loving and be the parents you go to to have fun and get candy from.

I cant help but to envy these families. I always wished that my grandmom would have been there for any part of my life, maybe like when i was depressed, or the times i had trouble with my mom, or when my father died. instead she decided to cut off all contact with my family. What a good way to show your love, right?! I can name a few dozen times in life i could have used some love.
A couple times though out my life i can remember my grandmother and my mom talking and we would visit and she would cut us off again out of nowhere.

In the past 2 months my mom and grandmother started talking once again and i have had a few invitations to visit her. I turned down those invites because i honestly don't think i can stand face to face with her without saying something I will regret. I hate to watch my mom set herself up to be devastated once again in her life. Its happening exactly the same as it has before. I keep praying to God that i will be able to let go of this feeling of abandonment. Theres nothing i want more than to tell my grandmom i love her, but I truly can't. I just hope that God will give me the strength to do so before she is on her death bed. And in the end I have faith that he will.


So the point of this post is to remind you to Never take your grandparents for granite. Value your time with them. If your a grandparent and your reading this please show your love for your kids and grandkids and pass on the wisdom that comes with the experience of living life.

If you can relate to my story and are going through something similar, put it in Gods hands. Let do his healing, because without him we are nothing! Philippians 4:13 I can do all through him who gives me strength.