Sin has taken hold. Forgive me my Lord!

Life is not easy right now. I am physically weak. I feel the stresses on my body. I am emotionally stressed. And i am mentally stressed from work that continues to pile.

I fear I am dangerously close to my breaking point. The devil has seen this too and is trying to break me farther. I allowed anger and bitterness into my heart and didn't see it, it blinded me. over the past week I have completely lost sight of what I live for. To deal with what I was feeling I did what I normally do, go for a run. In the state I'm in after surgery this could potentially put me in the hospital. So after I hurt myself i turned to others. I went out of my way to inflict anger and hurt on someone else and laughed about it. For those of you who know me will know that this is not me. The corruption i allowed into my heart has brought me back to a Godless self. I asked God why i felt so crappy about stuff and why he allowed everything that was going on to happen. I was mad at him for making me too weak to do anything. I went to sleep that night still feeling the pain of the hurt I caused myself and with the bitterness i caused other people.

When i woke the friend i had purposely hurt told me of what i had done and in that moment i saw the evil that was in my heart. HOW CAN I BE SO IGNORANT OF SUCH A THING IN MY HEART! I have turned my eyes from God for just a moment and trampled one of his precocious children!!! I deserve death by doing so!

Hebrews 10:26,27 Dear friends, if we deliberatively continue sinning after we have received knowledge of the truth, there is no longer any sacrifice the will cover these sins. There is only the terrible expectation of God's judgment and the raging fire that will consume his enemies.

The moment i read these verses i became aware of the song that was playing over the speaking in the establishment i was sitting in and it was How to Save a Life by the fray and the lyrics Were did i go wrong I lost a friend and i knew that i had pushed friends that i cared about from my life for giving into sin.

Than i went on to read Hebrews 10:32-36. It brought back memories of how no matter what happened I never turned my head. I could be suffering from something for months and i could always say thank you God. It was than i read Hebrews 11:1-3 as the song over the speakers played Meant to Live by Switchfoot. Tears streamed down my face as I started begging for Gods mercy and forgiveness. everything seemed to disappear around me as i kept praying and kept reading.

I asked God to mend what i have undone and to heal me and the people i have wronged. Than God brought me to Proverbs 3. The first verses i read were 11 and 12. That made me realize that this is God disciplining me. I read all of Proverbs 3 and when to Hebrews. Hebrews 12: 11-13 told me what to do next.
No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening - it's painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.
So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong.

That is all I can do now. Though I still feel physically, emotionally, and mentally weak I know i must place it all in Gods merciful hands again and ask for his forgiveness and for the forgiveness of others. And deal with the physical hurt i have caused myself.